I love writing. I have always loved writing. Until I started blogging, I had given up practicing and honing this skill many years ago; abandoning it somewhere around the end of my school career. I never had an outlet, and I never had a reason to try.
Even though very few people read my blog posts, I still live in fear that they are inadequate, I am crippled by self doubt. I chose not to tell anyone that I was starting a blog (with the exception of my long suffering boyfriend, who has been forced to read countless drafts of posts and short stories while I stomp round the house moaning that my writing is crap or self indulgent… but that is another story, for another day).
Not telling anyone about my blog (and Instagram) was my way of keeping myself safe; not having to put my name to a article, not admitting to trying, and equally – not admitting to failing.
However, apparently this doesn’t mean you still can’t be trolled. Someone will always find out who you are. Trolls, of course, are offered the same level of anonymity as I am on the internet. They can say mean or hurtful things without consequence or ramification. They don’t have to admit to being insecure, they don’t have to admit to failing.
The messages I received from my troll made me feel uncomfortable, uncertain, and unleashed a deep sinking feeling in my stomach, which I could not shake for days at a time. It made me retreat. It put me off writing. It put me off trying.
But then I realised: that’s what they want, they want to break me. They want me to be miserable too.
I blocked the troll. I picked myself up. I had my little support system around me.
I took some time out to explore writing in other ways. I wrote a short story. It might be garbage, but I tried. I entered a writing competition. It might be the worst thing they’ve ever read, but I tried.
I’ve realised that I CAN tell people what I’m up to. And yes some will laugh, or think it’s lame. But I’m still trying. I’m still standing.
Other people may have similar fears whilst they’re learning how to play golf, or training to run a marathon. No one would think to laugh at them for trying, for learning. But still, they’re riddled with the same self doubt, fear of failure and the fear of ridicule. They’re common feelings. They’re all part of being human.
I have a long way to go, but I believe by standing up and trying, trying, trying, I’m taking the first step towards gaining confidence.
So, I’m here!
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